1 00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:07,355 [whirring] 2 00:00:07,442 --> 00:00:10,749 [music playing] 3 00:00:10,836 --> 00:00:12,534 [computer alert beeping] 4 00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:15,624 Ab, Ab, Ab-- No joke, today is the day 5 00:00:15,711 --> 00:00:17,582 we become Abbi and Ilana, the boss bitches 6 00:00:17,669 --> 00:00:18,757 we are in our minds. 7 00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:19,976 Are you with me? 8 00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:25,025 Yeah, I'm with you, awesome. 9 00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:25,938 Are you-- Is that the whole thing? 10 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,853 Obviously I have a plan. 11 00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:31,466 Tonight we are going to see a secret pop-up Lil Wayne concert 12 00:00:31,553 --> 00:00:32,902 at Bowery Ballroom. 13 00:00:32,989 --> 00:00:35,209 I can't, I'm so broke. No excuses, girl. 14 00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:36,949 I'm getting big ol' balls of mozzarella today. 15 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:37,950 Chea-- Get it! 16 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,822 Chea-- Harder. 17 00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:41,867 You're gonna have to speak in English for me. 18 00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:43,739 I am getting my paycheck today and I can spot you, bitch! 19 00:00:43,826 --> 00:00:45,654 I wish that I could, 20 00:00:45,741 --> 00:00:48,222 but I am so close to finishing season one of "Damages," 21 00:00:48,309 --> 00:00:51,181 and I made, this, like, amazing cashew stir-fry 22 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:53,227 for the week, so I'm actually pretty booked. 23 00:00:53,314 --> 00:00:55,359 Stir-fry? 24 00:00:55,446 --> 00:00:57,622 Can I talk to the Abbi who stole a van? 25 00:00:57,709 --> 00:01:00,234 Ab, you're so stuck in your little routine. 26 00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:01,800 I bet you schedule when you jack off. 27 00:01:01,887 --> 00:01:05,456 Schedule when I ja--[exhales deeply] 28 00:01:05,543 --> 00:01:07,371 Oh, my God. 29 00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:08,546 Is that Lincoln? 30 00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:09,678 Yep. 31 00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:10,548 Is he inside of you? 32 00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:12,028 Yep. 33 00:01:12,115 --> 00:01:13,464 I'm just keeping him warm. 34 00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:14,857 All right-- Let's just set some ground rules here 35 00:01:14,944 --> 00:01:16,511 for everybody involved. 36 00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:18,252 I don't want to see you have sex. 37 00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:19,818 Let's try and avoid that. 38 00:01:19,905 --> 00:01:22,430 Lincoln, you seem well. 39 00:01:22,517 --> 00:01:23,996 Thank you-- I've been doing this no-bread diet 40 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,911 and it's pretty good. 41 00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:27,130 It's been working. 42 00:01:27,217 --> 00:01:28,566 All right-- I'm gonna head out, then. 43 00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:30,133 Peace, bye. 44 00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:31,308 That was hot-- That was cool. 45 00:01:31,395 --> 00:01:33,049 That was like a threesome, in a way. 46 00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:35,051 Uh, Ilana, what are we doing? 47 00:01:35,138 --> 00:01:36,574 Are we just having sex, hooking up? 48 00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:37,836 Are we dating? 49 00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:39,011 What is this? 50 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,276 This is purely physical. 51 00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:44,191 Why does this always happen to me? 52 00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:46,715 ♪ Four and three and two and one-one ♪ 53 00:01:54,549 --> 00:01:56,551 [Abbi] Climb-- Push it! 54 00:01:56,638 --> 00:01:57,813 Come on! 55 00:01:57,900 --> 00:01:58,640 Let's make some magic here. 56 00:01:58,727 --> 00:02:00,250 Let's climb it. 57 00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:01,817 Turn up that resistance-- Come on. 58 00:02:01,904 --> 00:02:03,340 Let's do this. 59 00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:05,821 Yes, climb. 60 00:02:05,908 --> 00:02:07,779 Yo, Abbi.Hey. 61 00:02:07,866 --> 00:02:09,738 Got something for you.Okay. 62 00:02:09,825 --> 00:02:10,739 Big ol' clogged toilet in the girls' room. 63 00:02:10,826 --> 00:02:12,610 It's pretty bad. 64 00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:13,742 You'll know it when you see it. 65 00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:15,004 Thanks for the heads-up, Tre. 66 00:02:15,091 --> 00:02:16,527 No problem-- Just do me a favor. 67 00:02:16,614 --> 00:02:17,311 Try not to make eye contact with any members 68 00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:18,834 when you're holding the plunger. 69 00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:20,314 Really bums 'em out. 70 00:02:20,401 --> 00:02:22,011 Well, I mean, what if someone just, like, walks-- 71 00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:30,889 [man] Underwater massage? 72 00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,978 Yes-- Yes, that sounds intense. 73 00:02:33,065 --> 00:02:34,197 Great job, killing it. 74 00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,721 Who's got more deals? 75 00:02:36,808 --> 00:02:38,288 Who else has a deal for me? 76 00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:39,898 Ooh, Nicole, what's your deal. 77 00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:42,771 I'm kind of obsessed with these D-I-Y vajazzling seminars 78 00:02:42,858 --> 00:02:45,382 and I feel like they'd be a really great fit for us. 79 00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:47,036 That is what I'm talking about. 80 00:02:47,123 --> 00:02:48,733 Do you guys smell that? 81 00:02:48,820 --> 00:02:49,778 Come on, sniff the air. 82 00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,040 Oh, what's that odor? 83 00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,346 I think it's the scent of a deal. 84 00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:53,129 Who's got more deals for me? 85 00:02:53,216 --> 00:02:55,000 Ooh, in the back, Ilana. 86 00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:57,525 Dope sweatshirt-- What is your deal? 87 00:02:57,612 --> 00:03:00,745 I've been kind of obsessed with getting paid 88 00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:02,269 and I was wondering if that's happening today 89 00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:05,097 so we could all be paid. 90 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,709 Checks, unfortunately, delayed 'til Friday. 91 00:03:07,796 --> 00:03:09,406 Bummer. 92 00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:11,060 F-M-L, right? 93 00:03:11,147 --> 00:03:13,062 Speaking of F-M-L, went on a third date 94 00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:14,498 with that girl from Match.com, 95 00:03:14,585 --> 00:03:16,065 to keep you guys updated, 96 00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:17,849 third time, went for the kiss, third time rejected, 97 00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:21,679 but I'll try-- I'll get it. 98 00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:23,333 Let's get back to our desks. 99 00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,162 Deals don't make themselves. 100 00:03:26,249 --> 00:03:30,297 [Ilana] Bonjour, petit Wayne. 101 00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:32,124 I am a genius. 102 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,604 [man] Not so much-- Right, buddy? 103 00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:35,606 That's the look of a dealer right there. 104 00:03:35,693 --> 00:03:36,999 If I was in Las Vegas, I'd assume you could 105 00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:38,305 move the table limit. 106 00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:43,397 That's how much of a dealer you are. 107 00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:44,833 Ilana.Ooh. 108 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,227 Come on, this is not work. 109 00:03:47,314 --> 00:03:48,880 Oh... Okay, I'll take lunch. 110 00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:50,491 Please... 111 00:03:50,578 --> 00:03:57,454 Come back today. 112 00:03:57,541 --> 00:03:58,542 Oh! 113 00:03:58,629 --> 00:03:59,804 Ilana. 114 00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:03,068 Don't Black Swan me like that, dude. 115 00:04:03,155 --> 00:04:04,592 Okay, what are you even doing here? 116 00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:06,463 Nothing-- Just strolling through the neighborhood 117 00:04:06,550 --> 00:04:07,421 and wanted to see my number one. 118 00:04:07,508 --> 00:04:09,031 Oh, really? 119 00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:11,425 Okay, listen-- I really think that you deserve--Hey. 120 00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:13,470 Sorry, I forgot about the line. 121 00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:15,342 I'll see you in the second-class citizen area. 122 00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:17,082 It's called the non-member pen and you know that. 123 00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:18,867 Ew-- Listen to yourself. 124 00:04:18,954 --> 00:04:22,349 I think you deserve like an Abbi Bueller's day off. 125 00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:24,002 I can't just leave work in the middle of the day. 126 00:04:24,089 --> 00:04:26,004 Yes, you can-- You just lie and leave. 127 00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:27,876 All they let you do is fold towels, anyway. 128 00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,269 No, they don't. 129 00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,748 They let me do a lot more than that. 130 00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:34,012 I wash the towels and then I dry the towels. 131 00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:36,493 Great... to see you. 132 00:04:36,580 --> 00:04:38,669 Good friend?Uh-huh, yeah, she's great. 133 00:04:38,756 --> 00:04:40,932 Also, any day now, a trainer's gonna be absent 134 00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:45,589 and guess who they're gonna invite to instruct a class. 135 00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,112 I would love for that to happen, but it's just not. 136 00:04:47,199 --> 00:04:48,723 They don't respect you. 137 00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:49,680 Oh, thank God, Abbi, there you are. 138 00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:51,203 Tre. 139 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,466 Thank God.We really need you, buddy. 140 00:04:52,553 --> 00:04:53,728 Yes, I'm prepared. 141 00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:56,165 So... 142 00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:58,472 We got another pube situation in the women's locker room. 143 00:04:58,559 --> 00:04:59,908 Yeah-- Somebody really went to town 144 00:04:59,995 --> 00:05:01,039 in the second shower stall. 145 00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:02,389 And if you need the snake, 146 00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:03,128 it's probably wherever you last left it. 147 00:05:03,215 --> 00:05:04,913 I know where it is, so. 148 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,697 You know, you should just label it "Abbi's snake," 149 00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:08,003 you're so good with it.I don't know if I wanna... 150 00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:11,049 Seriously. 151 00:05:11,136 --> 00:05:12,747 Okay, Abbi, come on. 152 00:05:12,834 --> 00:05:13,835 Can I get a little more positivity from you, please? 153 00:05:13,922 --> 00:05:14,966 I'll clean it. 154 00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:16,054 You can be positive, right? 155 00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:20,320 I know you can be positive. 156 00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:21,495 Yeah, you know what? 157 00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:22,539 You know, I can be positive, 158 00:05:22,626 --> 00:05:24,628 because I actually might be positive. 159 00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:26,282 I'm dealing with some pretty scary test results 160 00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:27,631 that are at a clinic right now 161 00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:29,851 and I have to get 'em, but I'm at work. 162 00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:32,593 I mean, I might be positive in a blood situation, so... 163 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:33,855 Is it herpes? 164 00:05:33,942 --> 00:05:35,291 No, it's not. 165 00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:38,773 Genital warts.No. 166 00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:39,817 Oh, my God. 167 00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:41,210 Abbi. 168 00:05:41,297 --> 00:05:42,254 Is it the big one? 169 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,126 It could be the big one. 170 00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:45,170 Abbi, you gotta get those results! 171 00:05:45,257 --> 00:05:46,476 I gotta get the pubes. 172 00:05:46,563 --> 00:05:47,956 Don't worry about the pubes, Abbi. 173 00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:49,740 Get your results. 174 00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:53,265 Blaise, there you are-- Would you get to class? 175 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,354 Abbi. 176 00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:55,703 Let me know if you have AIDS. 177 00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:58,009 You'll be the first one that I tell. 178 00:05:58,096 --> 00:05:59,489 When I find out. 179 00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:11,066 ♪♪ 180 00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:13,895 Okay, so tickets are 50 each. 181 00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:16,158 Obviously, we need an eighth.Ok. 182 00:06:16,245 --> 00:06:19,640 Plus drinks, that's like 200 bucks total. 183 00:06:19,727 --> 00:06:21,685 And since Todd wouldn't give me my paycheck. 184 00:06:21,772 --> 00:06:23,426 Girl! 185 00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,950 You took all of his office supplies. 186 00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:28,562 Listen, what I do at my place of work 187 00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:30,346 is none of your goddamn business, okay? 188 00:06:30,433 --> 00:06:34,132 Okay, I think you really need to be fired really soon.I know. 189 00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:37,135 ["What a Wonderful World" playing] 190 00:06:37,222 --> 00:06:38,441 Oh, I love this song. 191 00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:41,009 Ugh-- This is a slave song. 192 00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:42,532 It's not a slave song. 193 00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:43,707 Yes, it is. 194 00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:45,187 It's widely known by the Black community 195 00:06:45,274 --> 00:06:47,624 that "What a Wonderful World" is, like, a slave song. 196 00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:48,843 Right, right, right, I totally forgot that you're, 197 00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:51,106 like, the voice of the whole Black community. 198 00:06:51,193 --> 00:06:52,499 It's a thing-- Google it. 199 00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:54,196 It's in a Fugees song. 200 00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,241 Wyclef's like, "And I think to myself." 201 00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:58,026 He's like angry about it. 202 00:06:58,113 --> 00:07:00,028 I feel like all we ever talk about is Black people 203 00:07:00,115 --> 00:07:02,334 and slaver...y... 204 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:03,901 Hi. 205 00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:05,686 I would like to return these items. 206 00:07:05,773 --> 00:07:06,948 I once owned them personally, 207 00:07:07,035 --> 00:07:10,473 but I have no use for them now, so. 208 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:14,129 Your total comes to $135.67. 209 00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:16,740 Yes!Shit-- Yes! 210 00:07:16,827 --> 00:07:18,568 Oh. 211 00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:22,442 You know, we'd love to get that in liquid cash.Yeah. 212 00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:26,924 Okay. 213 00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:28,839 Okay, what about my fishbowl of change? 214 00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:30,580 There's got to be, like, 30 or 40 bucks in there? 215 00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,147 Can you leave? 216 00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:35,846 Yeah, we're gonna--We're ending the convo. 217 00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:40,851 ♪♪ 218 00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:43,419 Justin, Justin, there's a sniper there-- Oh! 219 00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:45,029 I just told you that! 220 00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:46,944 Oh, my God. 221 00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:48,076 Hey, guys. 222 00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:49,643 Hey.Yo. 223 00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,427 What gun are you using? 224 00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:54,299 Ah, you got the variable zoom on that. 225 00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:55,997 Oh, I'll have to check that out. 226 00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:58,652 Sorry, Ilana, all that cheese you wanted is gone. 227 00:07:58,739 --> 00:08:01,698 It looks like somebody ate it all. 228 00:08:01,785 --> 00:08:02,786 That sucks. 229 00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:04,092 Cheese is dope. 230 00:08:04,179 --> 00:08:06,790 Uh-oh, UAV inbound courtesy of yours truly. 231 00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:08,966 [with funny voice] You're welcome. 232 00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:10,664 Hey, Bevers. 233 00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:14,450 So I noticed that you ate all of my cheese again. 234 00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:15,582 Could you not do that? 235 00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:16,539 Or maybe get more? 236 00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:17,845 I'm sorry. 237 00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:19,586 I actually didn't realize it was your cheese. 238 00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:21,283 I labeled it pretty clearly. 239 00:08:21,370 --> 00:08:23,067 Mm-hmm, I see. 240 00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:25,896 Maybe in the future if you do that, put it on, like-- 241 00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:29,117 Like, all six sides of the cheese brick. 242 00:08:29,204 --> 00:08:31,075 Yeah. 243 00:08:31,162 --> 00:08:32,729 Well, maybe you can just restock it, then? 244 00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:34,296 I can put on some sweats and run out if you want me to. 245 00:08:34,383 --> 00:08:35,253 Yeah, okay.Or, you know... 246 00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:36,472 [laughing] 247 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:37,517 I'm not talking to you! 248 00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:38,474 I'm talking to my roommate! 249 00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:39,954 You're not my roommate. 250 00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:41,651 You're my roommate's boyfriend.What? 251 00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:44,045 Oh, also, the toilet's clogged. 252 00:08:44,132 --> 00:08:45,829 My bad. 253 00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:47,701 You know, I think I'm lactose intolerant. 254 00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:49,746 Good thing you ate all that cheese. 255 00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,835 You know that there's a plunger in the bathroom. 256 00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:52,749 It's right next to the toilet. 257 00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:54,185 It's like, right within... 258 00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:55,752 I do know that, but I also know that you told me 259 00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:57,841 not to touch your stuff in the bathroom. 260 00:08:57,928 --> 00:08:58,712 Right. 261 00:08:58,799 --> 00:08:59,713 That's my mistake. 262 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,105 Yeah.You disgust me. 263 00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:03,368 What? 264 00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:05,545 Oh-- Sergeant first class! 265 00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:07,851 I just ranked up, Abbi! 266 00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,637 Yes, I placed the Jewess ad. 267 00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:13,161 Both of us are over 18, yeah. 268 00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:14,858 Under 18, I said. 269 00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:16,599 We're both under 18, we're young teens-- 270 00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:19,254 Hello? 271 00:09:19,341 --> 00:09:23,127 Goddammit. 272 00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:26,914 Okay. 273 00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:30,352 ♪ At the bottom of the ocean ♪ 274 00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:34,225 Hey, somebody left a dank turd-- 275 00:09:34,312 --> 00:09:37,141 Oh, my God. 276 00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:38,360 You still have your performance bib, right? 277 00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:40,318 Yeah, duh. 278 00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,712 This is gonna make a dent in the Weezy fund, dude. 279 00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,584 Huge dent. [man] Did you call me? 280 00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,716 No, Matt, I didn't call you! 281 00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:47,935 It's like, why would we call you? 282 00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:50,851 It's like he's constantly in my face. 283 00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:52,330 It kills me that he lives here and doesn't pay a cent. 284 00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:56,900 I feel dirtier when I leave the shower because his hair-- 285 00:09:56,987 --> 00:09:59,381 his hair is, like, all over my body. 286 00:09:59,468 --> 00:10:01,949 It's like I have to see your dick in your shorts.God! 287 00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:06,823 You know, one side is always gonna be hamstrung 288 00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:08,564 by the other side's Congress, you know? 289 00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,305 It just doesn't matter-- We're done. 290 00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:11,611 We're done as a country. 291 00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:18,966 Matt, did you just call me? 292 00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:21,403 [clattering] 293 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,802 [in slow motion] Jeremy. 294 00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:33,415 ♪♪ 295 00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:34,938 ♪ The sun ♪ 296 00:10:35,025 --> 00:10:37,506 ♪ The sun blows over the sea ♪ 297 00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:38,768 [normal time] Hey, Abbi. 298 00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:40,770 [still in slow motion] Hey... 299 00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,250 Making up a batch of my famous peppercorn 300 00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:43,730 and cardamom cider beer. 301 00:10:43,817 --> 00:10:45,645 I'm not gonna finish it all myself. 302 00:10:45,732 --> 00:10:48,691 You need someone else. 303 00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:53,522 We're making eye contact. 304 00:10:53,609 --> 00:10:55,872 You'll let me know, then? 305 00:10:55,959 --> 00:10:58,527 Your arms... 306 00:11:00,529 --> 00:11:02,139 [man in slow motion] Abbi... 307 00:11:02,226 --> 00:11:04,925 Abbi... 308 00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:06,535 Abbi! 309 00:11:06,622 --> 00:11:07,754 Thank God I caught you. 310 00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:08,885 And that you're in gym shorts. 311 00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:10,408 Mm-hmm. 312 00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:13,411 Anyway, just so you know, we need toilet paper. 313 00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:15,631 Oh, we need it-- We do? 314 00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:16,893 Well, if you don't mind, 315 00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:18,808 I mean, since you're going out anyway. 316 00:11:18,895 --> 00:11:19,940 Is there anything else that I can get you, 317 00:11:20,027 --> 00:11:20,767 maybe, when I'm out? 318 00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,333 Well, I wasn't gonna ask 319 00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:26,120 but I have been hankering for something sweet. 320 00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,643 Like a hot cookie? 321 00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:29,471 Soft but not moist. 322 00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:32,909 Or, surprise me! 323 00:11:32,996 --> 00:11:36,696 Kill you in your sleep, how's that for a surprise? 324 00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:40,830 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 325 00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,484 I got a special delivery for you, Ilana. 326 00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:44,007 Thank you so much, I-- 327 00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:46,575 I brought your beautiful thing, too. Oh. 328 00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:49,056 Jaime, you are the best roommate and best friend I've ever had. 329 00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:51,145 When you're ready to become a citizen, 330 00:11:51,232 --> 00:11:52,886 my legs are wide open. 331 00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:55,584 I don't think that's how it works, but thank you. 332 00:11:55,671 --> 00:11:57,804 Jaime, Himmels, Hymes-- How are you? 333 00:11:57,891 --> 00:12:00,850 Good.Are you stoned right now? 334 00:12:00,937 --> 00:12:03,070 Yeah.Good, so regarding the pot... 335 00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:06,073 Mmm-hmm.we can get you that 60 bucks ASAP. 336 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,249 Okay.Or... 337 00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:12,340 this Office Warehouse giftcard has $135 on it. 338 00:12:12,427 --> 00:12:15,082 Whoa.I know, it's like, what do they even have there? 339 00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:16,997 Only any office supply known to man. 340 00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:18,999 I mean, I think they even have food now. 341 00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:20,261 Oh, yeah-- No, I'll take it. 342 00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:21,349 There's like, lamps. 343 00:12:21,436 --> 00:12:22,567 Please--Tons of stuff. 344 00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:23,481 Give it to me. 345 00:12:23,568 --> 00:12:24,700 Yeah-- That's good... 346 00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:27,224 Trade?I'll take it. 347 00:12:27,311 --> 00:12:29,313 Yes.Yes. 348 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,793 [warming up voice] Bah, bah, black sheep. 349 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,795 Dude, the card worked.Yes. 350 00:12:32,882 --> 00:12:34,884 Now we only need 140. 351 00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:36,190 Easy, we're done.We're doing it, dude, 352 00:12:36,277 --> 00:12:37,278 we're getting there. 353 00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:38,583 Is that Lincoln? 354 00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:40,803 [straw squeaks] 355 00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:44,938 Why is he doing this to me before curtain? 356 00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:47,244 [warming up voice] Bah, bah, black sheep. 357 00:12:47,331 --> 00:12:48,289 Lincoln, why are you here? 358 00:12:48,376 --> 00:12:49,899 No offense. 359 00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:51,074 I saw your tweet, so I wanted to stop by, 360 00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:52,902 but I wanted to respect your space. 361 00:12:52,989 --> 00:12:54,034 That's why I'm hanging back. 362 00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:55,122 That's cool. 363 00:12:55,209 --> 00:12:57,167 I respect you respecting me. 364 00:12:57,254 --> 00:12:58,778 Yeah? 365 00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:01,084 I'm gonna respect your dick later. 366 00:13:03,173 --> 00:13:04,958 [tapping] 367 00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:06,960 Yeah! 368 00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:11,616 Weekdays are tough.It's early for lunch. 369 00:13:13,444 --> 00:13:16,099 They just need time to find the audience, you know? 370 00:13:16,186 --> 00:13:17,100 The first season of "Seinfeld," 371 00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:18,885 not that many people saw that show, 372 00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:21,278 but it got time to grow. 373 00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:23,846 Yeah. 374 00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:26,109 Oh, we got a fan. 375 00:13:26,196 --> 00:13:29,286 We got a fan, hey, hey, hey. 376 00:13:29,373 --> 00:13:32,115 Me and Ilana, we really don't like to use labels. 377 00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:33,856 We try to be more progressive. 378 00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:35,945 We have a real connection. 379 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:43,039 Oh, she's break dancing, that's cool. 380 00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:46,695 All right, let's pick it up. 381 00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:48,392 Who teaches the bucket drummers? 382 00:13:48,479 --> 00:13:52,614 I never seen a bucket drummer class listed anywhere. 383 00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:57,227 [clapping, cheering] 384 00:13:57,314 --> 00:13:59,882 She should be giving us, like, 25%. 385 00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:01,188 We can't do this anymore. 386 00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:02,319 This is insane. 387 00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:03,451 We're like--Where'd the music go? 388 00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:04,974 [crowd] Boo! 389 00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:06,628 Are you kidding me? 390 00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,586 No-- She wouldn't even have anything to dance to 391 00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:09,849 if it wasn't for us! 392 00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,415 [man] You suck! 393 00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:14,592 What-- Shut up! 394 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:16,072 All right. 395 00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:18,727 You come out and you try to do some good. 396 00:14:18,814 --> 00:14:22,252 Stop! Grow up! 397 00:14:22,339 --> 00:14:25,603 I just don't understand why she took the fishbowl. 398 00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:28,258 I would have given it to her. 399 00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:30,870 Homeless people need supplies, I don't know.I know. 400 00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:33,611 And we need 90 bucks in two hours 401 00:14:33,698 --> 00:14:35,352 and you need to get stoned, I need your...90 bucks-- Okay. 402 00:14:35,439 --> 00:14:37,441 crazy brain, man. 403 00:14:37,528 --> 00:14:38,834 [phone vibrating]You know what, Ilana, I rag on you all the time, 404 00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:40,227 but you're right, like, I needed to 405 00:14:40,314 --> 00:14:41,576 get out of my element today.Hello? 406 00:14:41,663 --> 00:14:45,232 I needed it. 407 00:14:45,319 --> 00:14:46,450 It was nice of you to have my back-- 408 00:14:46,537 --> 00:14:48,148 Jesus. 409 00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:49,192 Thank you for this opportunity. 410 00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:51,281 We'll see you in 30 minutes or less. 411 00:14:51,368 --> 00:14:52,195 Bye-bye, sir. 412 00:14:52,282 --> 00:14:54,197 What? 413 00:14:54,284 --> 00:14:55,242 Okay, I had a backup plan on the low this whole time 414 00:14:55,329 --> 00:14:57,070 and it's coming up, it's happening. 415 00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:58,071 We are gonna make this money 416 00:14:58,158 --> 00:14:59,594 and I'll buy you a new piggy bank, 417 00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:02,336 a legit piggy bank. 418 00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:04,555 What is it?Come on. 419 00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:05,643 Ilana, this is really good pot. 420 00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:06,644 It's PCP. 421 00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,298 What? 422 00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:13,303 ♪♪ 423 00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:16,176 [knocking] 424 00:15:21,485 --> 00:15:23,183 Okay. 425 00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:24,445 I'm gonna start taking my clothes off now. 426 00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:25,620 Wait, what? 427 00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:26,969 Yeah. 428 00:15:27,056 --> 00:15:28,318 This is all part of the deal. 429 00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:30,103 What the fuck, Ilana... 430 00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:35,064 We're just two gals, cleaning in our underwear for an hour. 431 00:15:35,151 --> 00:15:36,326 What "gals"? 432 00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:37,980 We?Us gals. 433 00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:38,807 I'm not doing that, dude. 434 00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,069 Shh, shh, shhh...What? 435 00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:43,246 Why are you shushing me? 436 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,422 ♪♪ 437 00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:47,337 No. 438 00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:49,165 ♪ Our treasure pleasure leisure, leisure ♪ 439 00:15:49,252 --> 00:15:50,732 ♪ It's all in your eyes ♪ 440 00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:58,087 Ilana, I'm not gonna clean this man's apartment, 441 00:15:58,174 --> 00:16:00,307 touch his things, in my underwear. 442 00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:02,613 This is the last thing, we are so close. 443 00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:05,181 We are gonna be friends with Weezy. 444 00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:07,836 I'm gonna fuck him, dude. 445 00:16:07,923 --> 00:16:10,665 Who's Weezy?Lil Wayne! 446 00:16:10,752 --> 00:16:12,493 This is the whole thing! 447 00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:17,237 Listen, it is for one hour and he's giving us $200. 448 00:16:17,324 --> 00:16:19,282 No, I can't-- This is gross. 449 00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:20,675 What would you be doing instead? 450 00:16:20,762 --> 00:16:23,025 Watching "Breaking Bad" and eating a Smart Ones? 451 00:16:23,112 --> 00:16:24,635 Okay, it's a cashew stir-fry 452 00:16:24,722 --> 00:16:26,637 and I was, like, really looking forward to it. 453 00:16:26,724 --> 00:16:28,900 I don't want to hear it, okay. 454 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:32,469 You're losing your edge and I wasn't gonna say anything, 455 00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:35,081 but you're not as fun as you used to be. 456 00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:38,127 Guess I'll clean this dude's apartment on my own. 457 00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:45,526 [Lil Wayne's "A Milli" playing] 458 00:16:45,613 --> 00:16:46,962 ♪ Yeah ♪ 459 00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:49,138 ♪ Mack I'm gonna ♪ 460 00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,574 ♪ A millionaire ♪ 461 00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:52,576 ♪ I'm a Young Money millionaire ♪ 462 00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:55,101 ♪ Tougher than Nigerian hair ♪ 463 00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:58,495 ♪ My criteria compared to your career just isn't fair ♪ 464 00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:01,629 ♪ I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed ♪ 465 00:17:01,716 --> 00:17:03,544 ♪ Through the pencil I leak on the sheet ♪ 466 00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:05,546 ♪ Of the tablet in my mind ♪ 467 00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,635 ♪ 'Cause I don't write shit 'cause I ain't got time ♪ 468 00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:09,115 ♪ 'Cause my seconds minutes hours ♪ 469 00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:10,899 ♪ Go to the almighty dollar ♪ 470 00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:12,074 ♪ And the almighty-- ♪ 471 00:17:12,161 --> 00:17:13,119 Okay, hour's up, man. 472 00:17:13,206 --> 00:17:14,511 [Ilana] Party's over, dude. 473 00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:15,599 Money, please. 474 00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:16,861 I'm sowwy. 475 00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:17,906 I don't have any. 476 00:17:17,993 --> 00:17:18,907 Are you joking right now? 477 00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:21,040 I'm a wittle baby. 478 00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:23,607 Uh... No, you're a full grown man. 479 00:17:23,694 --> 00:17:25,522 I'm a baby, I have no money! 480 00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:27,002 You owe us $200. 481 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,395 We just cleaned for an hour. 482 00:17:28,482 --> 00:17:29,918 I don't do that at my house. 483 00:17:30,005 --> 00:17:31,006 Thank you for cleaning. 484 00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:31,963 No, no, no.What? 485 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,356 No thank you.No, no. 486 00:17:33,443 --> 00:17:36,185 I just degraded my friend for you 487 00:17:36,272 --> 00:17:37,317 and I thought we were gonna be paid. 488 00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:39,101 I can pay you in blocks? 489 00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:40,450 You're not a baby, you're a man! 490 00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:42,670 No. 491 00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:43,975 I'm a baby. 492 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:44,933 Oh, yeah... You're a baby? 493 00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:46,630 Does baby like this, huh? 494 00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:49,546 ♪♪ 495 00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:53,376 Babies do not read books yet! 496 00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:55,726 Are you a baby if you wear a hat? 497 00:17:55,813 --> 00:17:57,511 Full coat with fur? 498 00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,382 Babies don't have little... babies! 499 00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:01,254 You want tissues to wipe your asshole? 500 00:18:01,341 --> 00:18:02,559 'Cause you're a baby? 501 00:18:02,646 --> 00:18:06,172 [groaning] 502 00:18:06,259 --> 00:18:08,696 Coat racks aren't for babies. 503 00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:11,090 Marbles. 504 00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:12,700 Uh-oh. 505 00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:14,876 [laughing] 506 00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:16,051 What? 507 00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:17,357 Look. 508 00:18:17,444 --> 00:18:19,228 I'm looking.Yeah, we saw, dude. 509 00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:20,838 I hope I never see this again. 510 00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:22,710 I don't even know. 511 00:18:22,797 --> 00:18:24,146 All right, all right, careful of the marbles. 512 00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:28,150 So I'm gonna grab this, 'cause babies don't like fur. 513 00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:29,369 Are you my fwends? 514 00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,153 No. 515 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:35,897 [phone ringing and vibrating] 516 00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:40,119 This is David. 517 00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:42,904 Is the flight delayed? 518 00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:44,471 Was the flight delayed? 519 00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:47,387 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 520 00:18:47,474 --> 00:18:49,258 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 521 00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:50,738 Lil Wayne's so short, though, 522 00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:52,914 that we weren't even gonna be able to see him 523 00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:54,568 from where we would have sat. 524 00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:56,091 I don't think I even would have recognized him. 525 00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:57,788 I don't know who this guy is. 526 00:18:57,875 --> 00:19:00,835 You know, I read that he's actually better pre-recorded. 527 00:19:00,922 --> 00:19:02,228 I just didn't want to say anything 'cause I wanted to go. 528 00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:03,794 These spaces are so small, 529 00:19:03,881 --> 00:19:06,623 like, we would be so close to so many strangers 530 00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:07,929 we don't know. 531 00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:10,105 Drinks are, like, so expensive and tiny, like-- 532 00:19:10,192 --> 00:19:10,975 Oh, my God, double... 533 00:19:11,062 --> 00:19:12,977 Crap. 534 00:19:13,064 --> 00:19:14,501 Do you know me, how I have to pee, like, constantly? 535 00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:15,589 We would be standing in line the whole concert. 536 00:19:15,676 --> 00:19:18,331 The whole time, we would be standing in a line. 537 00:19:18,418 --> 00:19:20,028 Ugh. 538 00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:22,726 Tomorrow's gonna be the day, like, I know it, 539 00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:26,687 that we're gonna look back and be like, that was the day! 540 00:19:26,774 --> 00:19:30,430 I know that tomorrow... tomorrow's totally the day. 541 00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:32,171 Like, I'm so confident in myself, 542 00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:33,607 I feel it in my heart. 543 00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:35,826 I'm confident myself in the day. 544 00:19:35,913 --> 00:19:37,567 Yes... Yeah! 545 00:19:37,654 --> 00:19:40,788 I believe in us. Hyah-- Yeah! 546 00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:44,574 Yes, dude!Dude, I would follow you into hell, brother. 547 00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:47,838 I would take you on my shoulders, like, 548 00:19:47,925 --> 00:19:53,757 I'd strap you up and I'd be like, "Let's go through hell." 549 00:19:53,844 --> 00:19:56,238 Should we go to...Mm-hmm. 550 00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:57,457 the subway. 551 00:19:57,544 --> 00:19:59,372 We'll give you some privacy. 552 00:20:02,853 --> 00:20:05,943 [knocking] 553 00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:07,771 Enjoy your office supplies, my friend. 554 00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:09,033 They even have food now. 555 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,252 Crazy, right? 556 00:20:10,339 --> 00:20:12,472 Okay... Okay, cha-cha. 557 00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:15,997 Good. 558 00:20:16,084 --> 00:20:20,001 Ah. 559 00:20:20,088 --> 00:20:22,482 Please. Help me. 560 00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:24,527 Ay, mi amor, what happened to you? 561 00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:28,488 [computer alert beeping] 562 00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:29,576 Oh, yeah. 563 00:20:29,663 --> 00:20:30,794 What the hell-- What is this? 564 00:20:30,881 --> 00:20:32,796 Oh, it's happening. 565 00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:33,928 [coughing] 566 00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:35,582 Why are we doing this right now? 567 00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:36,800 Hymes, you can go. 568 00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:38,498 She got me. 569 00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:40,282 I don't got her-- I'm not there with you. 570 00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:42,806 Leave me one, leave me one. 571 00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:46,680 Okay. 572 00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:48,203 Ilana, we drank the same amount. 573 00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:50,031 I'm so sorry. 574 00:20:50,118 --> 00:20:51,641 I always do this. 575 00:20:51,728 --> 00:20:54,078 It's fine, everyone has nights like this. 576 00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:55,036 Just, if you feel like you're gonna throw up, 577 00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:56,080 just give me a heads up. 578 00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:57,865 [vomits] 579 00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,172 You wanna come over and hang out? 580 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,000 We just got pizza. 581 00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:04,654 What kind?